J.K. Accinni ‘Baby’ Review

Written by: Mack Moyer

Call me old fashioned, but I like books that have characters.

Baby, Part 1 of the award-winning (seriously?) indie series Species Intervention #6609, is a glorified prologue with no characters at all, if you consider a “character” more than just one or two traits.

The three main characters…actually, I don’t feel comfortable calling them that. How about, the three main character-like things?

Yes, that will do. The three main character-like things are Netty, Baby and Wil.

Netty’s main traits are that she’s innocent and gets raped a lot.

Baby is a midget alien whose trait is being cute, even though I kept picturing Salacious B. Crumb from Return of the Jedi.

Wil is Netty’s boyfriend. His trait is being a pussy.

The rest of the cast share one or two traits, namely being evil for no reason and/or totally forgettable.

That’s about it.

The plot is as follows: Netty gets raped because lazy writers think rape makes boring characters interesting. She runs away from her bad, evil-for-no-reason husband and finds Baby lost in a cave. Then Netty meets Wil and the three of them have a sickeningly sentimental life together until they’re beset by rapists again.

Author J.K. Accinni, in an attempt to make this book sound like a period piece, uses few contractions in the dialogue. The book takes place in 1930s and 1940s. Most of us have grandmothers from that period and I bet every fucking one of them uses contractions, mine included.

Accinni’s prose is no better. She stuffs it full of adverbs and adjectives, usually when none are needed. I lost count of how many times Accinni describes something as “glorious” or “amazing.” “Amazing” and its variations get thrown around a lot. Baby’s eyes are amazing. A mantle on a wall is amazing. Even the vegetables Netty grows at her new farm are amazing.

I have my own imagination. I’ll let you know when I think something is amazing. And unless the vegetable in question is firing a rocket launcher while riding a dinosaur, I don’t think it qualifies as such.

What’s amazing is that this novel and the ensuing series apparently has a following. (The opening pages of the sequel shocked me with a long right-wing rant wherein the author warns us of laziness, socialism and Muslim infiltrators. Can’t say I was expecting that.)

But hey, if you like rape, boring characters and a writer who keeps insisting that everything is “amazing” or “glorious,” have at it bro.

You can order it here.

Rating: 1/5