Written by: Josh Black
Ever wonder what it would be like to wake up stranded somewhere, your genitals fused to those of a once lively but now very much deceased Mexican drug mule with a special delivery in her stomach? Me either, but I think it’s fair to assume it wouldn’t be a pleasant experience.
The setup is that this guy Ricardo goes south of the border to pick up some artisan crafts for his girlfriend, so they can sell them at a higher price back in the U.S. He (literally) gets caught up in a bit of action on the side with Consuela, the aforementioned lady, and the result is unexpected, bizarre and more than a little disgusting. Par for the horror course? Not quite.
Apparently this is derived from an urban myth of some kind. I’d never heard of it, but familiarity doesn’t affect the events of the story one way or the other. The plot moves back and forth between Ricardo and Consuela’s first meeting and sexual escapades, and the aftermath in which Ricardo just tries to figure out what the hell is going on and to set things right.
The former scenes can only be called erotica, the latter being body horror of the most gross-out variety. It’s a strange combination, not entirely seamless, but it works well enough. There’s some explicit and drawn out sexual content here, and yes, it’s gratuitous, but it ends up being a cautionary tale against thinking with the wrong head, so to speak.
It’s not a story for the faint of heart. Some of the lovely items lined up for you are vomit, bodily fluids of all sorts, rigor mortis giving whole new meaning to the term “stiff”, some questionable ways to curb hunger, well, you get the idea. The whole thing is hilarious, written with tongue firmly in cheek (maybe some other places as well). Ricardo just moving from one place to another becomes a source of slapstick comedy. A fair approximation is an X-rated version of an early Peter Jackson film. It’s crazy shit, it’s crazy fun, and it all leads up to a twisted and satisfying finale.
If you’re left wanting more craziness after reading, you’re in luck. This is the title story of a collection to be released later this year by Crystal Lake Publishing (the full collection will come in May as a paperback and eBook, while this particular story will be released exclusively as a $2.99 eBook on March 28th). It serves as a taste of things to come, and if this is any indication, Stuck On You is going to be one messed up bunch of stories, in the best sort of way.