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Celebrity Guest Author Susan J. McLeod’s Interview with a Shrunken Head


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Author Susan J McLeod recently interviewed Baphomet, the shrunken head of The Man with the Blue Hat by Ms. Wendy Potocki. The following is an eye-witness account of the meeting. Ms. McLeod has unfortunately disappeared with all of her notes.

“Welcome, Mr. Baphomet. Have a–sorry. Can’t offer you a seat, can I?”

“You can hold me on your lap if you’d like.”

*Susan fidgets nervously* “I don’t think that would be very professional.”

*Baphomet leers.*

“A glass of water, perhaps?”

“That’s not what I drink.”

“Yes, well–moving right along. How did you like working with Ms. Potocki?”

“Well, let’s just say I’ve had beheadings that were more pleasant. Why they didn’t think to sharpen that blade is beyond comprehension. What with the sawing and sawing for what seemed like hours and—what was the question again?”

“Working with–?”

“Ah, yes, the skinny-legged-jeaned banshee. You’d think her middle name is Ideeli. I suppose she was alright, if you like over-the-top drama queens. I would have walked off –”

“You mean, rolled away?”

“You know, if you’re going to parse my every word, we’re not going to get very far, are we?”

“Sorry. Accuracy in journalism, that sort of thing.”

“You are starting to remind me of that loony tune that you asked me about. But as I started to say before I was so rudely and needlessly interrupted, she needed me, didn’t she? I mean, she wouldn’t have had much of a story without me. I added so much. I was really the star, don’t you agree?

*silence*

“I will take that Marcel Marceau of reply as a yes. And of course, there were other sorts of minor characters lying around. Ones that I STRONGLY advised Ms. Potocki to kill off, but does she ever listen? The things I put up with sometimes. And as long as you opened this can of beans, are all writers that needy and neurotic? What with the crying jags, the binging on Starbucks’ lattes and chocolate treats, the self-doubt about whether she was good enough, the constant appraisal of her image in the mirror and asking me if she looked fat, and all the caterwauling about editing, you’d have thought it was her that had been left in that cauldron of boiling water to shrivel up to the size of a prune.”

*Susan numbly repeats* “Editing?” *pulls hair and runs away screaming into the distant night. Stumbles back several minutes later disheveled and out of breath*

“Sorry, I was having a moment. The ‘e’ word does something to me. I don’t handle it well.”

“Oh, good God, you are all crazy! What kind of a cuckoo’s nest did I get myself into here?”

*Susan clears throat* “Yes, well, what did she accomplish that you especially liked?”

“The single most important thing is that she let me speak. I will give her that. She let me have my say and let me do my own thing. As a character collaborating with a writer, I believe it is of the utmost importance that they don’t cram their words in your mouth like peanut butter and jam, and she didn’t. It’s why I put up with her nonsense. Oh, and she did a wonderful job show casing my sex appeal. No one can resist me. Did you ever read about a more powerful kiss than mine?”

“The kiss certainly did stand out.”

“And she did do justice to my soft, silky hair. It’s my best feature. Run your fingers through it. You know you want to.”

*Susan moves chair further away*

“How did you get along with the other characters?”

“What other characters?”

“In the book. You know, the one we’re speaking about?”

“Oh, that book! Are we still on that? God, I wish you’d learn to move on and not be so stuck in the past. You’re like some dreadful muddy wheel or something. The characters, if you can call them that, were there, weren’t they? I can see from your confused expression that you don’t understand, so let me put it this way: she’s the one that dreamt them up, not me.”

“I think, that’s pretty clear. You have a very unusual name. What does it mean?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

*uncomfortable silence*

“Actually, yes. That’s why I asked.”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Really. What else do you have to hide, Mr. Baphomet?”

*Baphomet squints menacingly* “I already told you. The bodies at the bottom of my lake all died of natural causes. If my word isn’t good enough for you, perhaps we should—”

“No, no, your word is fine. Just absolutely ducky. Would you collaborate with Ms. Potocki again?”

“Are we back to her again? I thought this interview was about me and how fabulous I am? Let’s see, I would only work with her again if I were provided ear plugs and plenty of duct tape. Blotting out her frequent hysteria and meltdowns would be required. And I am rather curious to see how well she plays Houdini.”

“What other future plans do you have up your sleeve?”

*Baphomet, voice icy* “Is that supposed to be funny?”

“Sorry. It’s just an expression. No offense.”

“We’ll see.” *resumes normal tone.* “My immediate plans are to remove this goddamned string from my head. I strenuously objected to it being sewn and hate being held by it. I mean, what am I? A goddamned purse or something? What if I were to dangle you by your—”

“Yes, well, this interview is not about me. *laughs nervously and checks notes* In conclusion, are there any thoughts you’d like to share with us?”

“No. But I’m sure you have something you’d like to tell me. Lean over and whisper in my ear.”

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About The Overseer (1669 Articles)
Author of Say No to Drugs, writer for Blumhouse, Dread Central, Horror Novel Reviews and Addicted to Horror Movies.

5 Comments on Celebrity Guest Author Susan J. McLeod’s Interview with a Shrunken Head

  1. Enjoyable interview Susan and Wendy. Oh… and Baphomet.

    Like

  2. This certainly sounds like an interesting (to put it mildly) story…

    Like

  3. How clever! Certainly sounds like an interesting book.

    Like

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